So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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