FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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