If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize