you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
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