someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
