I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
