Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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