how can u be prego again
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
