he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
