how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
