the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
