I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
