This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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