The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
