the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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