Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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