you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
