a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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