I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
