her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
