I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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