I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
