I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Randomize
