you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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