You made me cry and you don't even care
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
