dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
