did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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