i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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