God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
