So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Randomize
