He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I need to align my fucking chakras
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
