Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
