I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
