Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
