I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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