yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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