was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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