what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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