i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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