Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
