there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
