Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
