Do you still have your period?
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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