i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
She told me I should be a condom model.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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