She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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