Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
