How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
