If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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