I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
