Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
