Sponge bath it is.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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