he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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