anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize