Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
