I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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