i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize